August 2019 I cry because I am reminded that you’re gone No one has to tell me straight to my face I feel your absence through the emptiness of my heart I go back to our conversations You “read” the message I sent you after learning about your death But it was just the police investigating what happened the night you left September 2019 I stare at my calendar out of fear You left us a month and three days after you’ve turned 18 I’ve been waiting to leave and see you Yet on September 19 I was still here, grieving November 2019 I finally hand in my application to change programs From nursing to education Before you left, I forgot that people could die But now I’d rather teach people that murder isn’t fine January 2020 I agree to go on a date with a guy It’s a new year, time to move on, right? Yet, I talked about you the whole time You were all I had in mind February 2020 I show up to your trial’s preliminary investigation For what? I call it closure To watch the videos the cameras caught Your last night at metro St-Laurent The last proof of your existence The last time you stood, walked And fell to the ground To prove to myself that you’re gone Even if I already saw you at your funeral April 2021 I check my “Moving forward with grief” list A full page I wrote on the 21st of September 2019 “Only writing about him → Write about other concerns/thoughts” I can’t stop because I want you to still be part of this world Even if it’s only through words Remember when I told you That the reason why we met at the end of high school, was because we keep the best for last? I guess we really do keep it that way because when all of this ends I’ll have eternity with you to spend
May 2020 I meet him He asks me when my birthday is I don’t give him an answer, I don’t want to be another year older when you don’t get to be 19 either
I talk about you at any given opportunity They don’t know you They will never get to I’ve felt so lonely throughout my grief I make strangers think about you too Even if they won’t miss you the way I do
And maybe then, I’ll get my closure To how things would’ve been if we were together Even if your death is already an answer -Christine Iv