06: Open - June 2021


 August 2019
 I cry because I am reminded that you’re gone
 No one has to tell me straight to my face
 I feel your absence through the emptiness of my heart
 I go back to our conversations
 You “read” the message I sent you after learning about your death
 But it was just the police investigating what happened the night you left  
 September 2019
 I stare at my calendar out of fear
 You left us a month and three days after you’ve turned 18
 I’ve been waiting to leave and see you
 Yet on September 19
 I was still here, grieving
 November 2019
 I finally hand in my application to change programs
 From nursing to education
 Before you left, I forgot that people could die
 But now I’d rather teach people that murder isn’t fine
January 2020
 I agree to go on a date with a guy
 It’s a new year, time to move on, right?
 Yet, I talked about you the whole time
 You were all I had in mind

 February 2020
 I show up to your trial’s preliminary investigation
 For what? I call it closure
 To watch the videos the cameras caught
 Your last night at metro St-Laurent
 The last proof of your existence
 The last time you stood, walked
 And fell to the ground
 To prove to myself that you’re gone
 Even if I already saw you at your funeral

  April 2021
 I check my “Moving forward with grief” list
 A full page I wrote on the 21st of September 2019
 “Only writing about him → Write about other concerns/thoughts”
 I can’t stop because I want you to still be part of this world
 Even if it’s only through words
 Remember when I told you 
 That the reason why we met at the end
 of high school, was because we keep the best for last?
 I guess we really do keep it that way
 because when all of this ends
 I’ll have eternity with you to spend

May 2020
 I meet him
 He asks me when my birthday is
 I don’t give him an answer, 
 I don’t want to be another year older when you don’t get to be 19 either
I talk about you at any given opportunity
 They don’t know you
 They will never get to 
 I’ve felt so lonely throughout my grief
 I make strangers think about you too
 Even if they won’t miss you the way I do
And maybe then,
 I’ll get my closure
 To how things would’ve been if we were together
 Even if your death is already an answer

-Christine Iv

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