03/22: Open

Cry Baby

my dad said, “this is why you should have a higher power”, 
but what would i do with it if i did? 
get on my knees and grovel to the Holy Ghost, 
beg them to please spare you, make you wake up?
i would do it, even having no faith.
i’m told it’s not my fault,
you shouldn’t blame yourself for what others decide to do.
one hundred people could tell me this 
and i’d still have a hole in my heart where your acceptance could be.

i know i hurt you, i burned the bridge that summer, 
dealt the killing blow, but i want to apologize even if you won’t forgive me. 
you can turn me away, tell me not to visit you anymore, 
never set foot in your hospital room again, i think that’d be fair.
the sick joke of being my mother’s child, that even she wouldn’t want me. 
are you regretful of how we turned out, 
or that you gave birth to me at all? 
i know you decided not to have the second child by my father,
and i’ll never fault you for that, 
but sometimes i wonder how they, we could’ve been.

are you ashamed of me, or yourself, maybe both? 
i watched too many season’s change without you. 
winters were harsh, i was a fawn stumbling through the snow, 
crying out for you, but you were nowhere to be found.
i just wanted my mom, 
i never wanted to learn to live without you. 
i was just a child when you left me. 
now, i’m asking you to stay, for me.

- Al Pal

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