i don’t think i had ever truly felt it
the burning sensation dripping down your fingers
the melted chocolate running along the corners of the graham cracker
as if i just had to know if it was ready
or at least know if it was hot
it was strange
i woke up one day not having to question how i was feeling
if my skin had outgrown my bones
or my brain had outgrown this body
it was a slow release
an injection
you could say
but i suddenly felt
the world was no longer on fire
or at least i now could walk along the flames
as if i had adapted
it was sudden
like waking up and finally seeing the word in colour
like waking up and finally seeing that change isn't only something you keep in your pocket
it was like finally seeing
joy
is a term i had never used
sometimes happy
most of the time good
most of that time
alright
i had heard about it
between chants on the street
and hidden chat room discussions
i didn't know how to spell it though
how “i” fell into it
la joi had become this goal that i stopped reaching for
a dream that was left in my closet between old toys and hockey trophies
but then i found it
tucked between the letters i thought never would be opened
they were only addressed to me
it wasn’t quite rainbows
that’s never been my style
too bright; too pretty and not enough loud
more like thunderstorms and lightning
wind and the rain
disturbing the world long enough to make it peaceful again
more
darkness
more
sound
more
more
more
i never wanted to be more than this
i’m finally enough
for who i am right now
i’m finally enough
i’m finally
i am
finally.
-Connor 'Nimkiins' Lafortune